Compassion not Competition

Why Many Values We Teach are Wrong

We teach young children many important lessons: that they should share with each other, cooperate with one another, and care for one another. We tell them to be mindful of the volume of their voice and moderate it according to their surroundings; we ask them to put themselves in another’s shoes; and routinely remind them that violence isn’t the answer.

Just a little experience in adult society will tell us that these are important lessons that don’t expire at the close of early childhood. They are important life lessons and it is often adults who need to hear it as much as preschoolers do.

We make a switch— I don’t know how deliberate the switch is but would propound that it happens naturally, as a product of our social cultivation— around middle school. We start encouraging students to compete with each other instead of share, cooperate and care. The lessons of elementary school life are replaced by lessons based on performance, winning, and status.

For many parents, the earlier the better. These ideas are pushed much sooner than middle school but, by and large, most parents and teachers start shifting over around early adolescence. During the time in which students start to form their identity, the social-emotional climate becomes more complicated, and our intellectual development speeds up, they are told to prioritize competing and besting others instead of caring and looking after them.

Developing ambition becomes more important than developing empathy.

Performing becomes more important than kindness.

Competing becomes more important than compassion.

Students carry these lessons through middle school and into high school where things really ramp up. Their worth is acutely measure by these new values. With every expectation a student deals with in the classroom, on the field, and at home, they are routinely reminded that these are the only values that matter. Yes, many adults will discuss community service, charity, and volunteerism, but if/when they do, will do so as a matter of second priority, as an afterthought. The line of reasoning for many people is: compete and win, then give some time up to help those that couldn’t. This sort of social grandstanding is hollow and warps young people’s perspectives on how the world should work. It is in this type of society that success almost always means financial status. And it is in this type of society where this guidance is failing. I’m not sure if we’ve ever had a world full of so many “successful” but unhappy people.

In line with Aristotle’s philosophy of education (which you can read here), I care as much, if not more, about developing the character of the individual as I do the competence of that individual. I truly believe that the latter is meaningless without the former.

Two concepts central to my work are fulfillment and flourishing (taken from the ancient Greek eudaimonia). As I explain elsewhere, adolescents are feeling disconnected, isolated, and numb. The path toward fulfillment and flourishing isn’t attainment of goals (material or otherwise) but purpose, giving, and interpersonal connection and meaning. We feel our best when we are doing our best.

We ought to continue teaching the lessons we teach young children. We shouldn’t stop talking about empathy, understanding, and compassion. We should guide and set examples of what it looks like at every age and stage of life. In doing so, young people will inherit a more meaningful worldview. They will feel more connected (not isolated which is a major issue globally) because instead of focusing on outdoing others, they will be more invested in working together. Ambition has a place when leveraged correctly. Instead of being motivated by being a winner it becomes motivated by purpose, solving problems, and helping others.

It is always important to share, cooperate, and care. I don’t see how it couldn’t be.